Date Added: 2nd December 2022
Introduction
Tragedy at the holiday table is inevitable—trust me! A phone call from your mother will most likely mention something along the lines of “oh, we need to talk.” The only thing more predictable than getting a phone call from her is how she'll use that opportunity to express her strong opinions on how you should be spending Christmas. It doesn't matter if this opinion is rooted in truth, or that it's her way of trying to make things better—you don't have time for such negativity when you're already exhausted from enduring these types of comments throughout the year.
Have you ever wondered how to have a blissful Christmas time with your narcissistic mother? You might be wondering what the best way would be to “survive” the holidays with her.
Surviving Christmas with a Narcissistic Mom can be challenging.
If your mother has a mental illness that is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy then they will be your Scrooges and Grinches at your Christmas.
They seem to take pleasure in ruining your holidays by making them more complicated.
I'm writing this article to provide validation and encouragement to the adult children of narcissistic parents.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers need to stop waiting for the perfect family Christmas and start focusing on themselves.
No contact is a powerful thing when you're dealing with toxic people. If one of them is your mother and she's really narcissistic, cutting her off can make things a lot easier.
It may be hard to imagine how the distress you are in now will change not seeing your loved one again, but often the best way to fix things is by making changes on our own.
Your thoughts are strong and don't need to go shamed. Make a list of the reasons you are making this no-contact decision.
If you're feeling guilty over Christmas because you have gone no contact, keep this list handy.
What if you have no choice? You actually do have a choice.
So, if you say that you don't have a choice to go to the family gathering, what this may really mean is that you don't want to rock the boat by not going.
Just acknowledge and realize you do have a choice.
So you decide to go but tell yourself it was your choice, rather than out of necessity.
What can you do to survive this Christmas with a narcissistic mother?
1. Learn to set boundaries, stop people pleasing and detaching.
It will take some time for you to heal from this.
You have chosen to go but you won't be taken in by the bait.
The idea that you can somehow fix a narcissist is just an alternate fantasy.
You may not have the skills needed to provide an effective therapeutic care like a therapist does.
Drop the idea that you'll be able to help a narcissist mother.
Narcissist mother does not want to be fixed or helped.
Detach emotionally and set your boundaries.
Do not live in the fantasy that your narcissistic mother will appreciate your efforts, gifts, etc.
2. Be authentic and stay in your truth.
It's easy to lose sight of what we like and want when we're under pressure from family members.
It's definitely your holiday and you deserve to have a break too.
Take time off to do things you enjoy - whether it's walking the dog, playing with the kids, going sledding or baking your favorite Christmas cookies.
It is important to convey your authenticity and stay true to who you are.
3. Don't play into the mind games, you don't have to be perfect.
Narcissists crave attention and often create drama around them.
They may have you helpless to their power in the room whether they are bullying or being showy or controlling in more passive-aggressive ways.
Learning to resist the urge to react to baiting, guilt-tripping, gaslighting and other controlling strategiesT will help you defend against the negative stress that comes from these manipulative behaviors.
Be wary of mind games. You don't need to be perfect.
4. Find an accountability support group, it will help!
A narcissistic abuse support group is a space that survivors can come together and provide emotional support for each other as they heal from the abuse.
Join us in the Guiding women to live their authentic life after narcissistic abuse.
They can be your accountability support group, too, to help you stay focused on your survival toolkit as you enjoy the Christmas season with your narcissistic mother.
It's important that you do not feel alone as someone who has experienced this. You will not be judged or shamed in this space and expect to be heard, validated, and supported by others who have been there before.
Adding support groups to your counselling treatment can be a great addition and can help you on your healing journey.
5. Connect with your inner self and take better care of yourself.
During the holidays, it's easy to get into a routine where we feel forced to do what other people want us to do.
When a family member is narcissistic, they typically need excessive attention, which often disrespects the personal boundaries of others.
It's important to give yourself time away in order to keep yourself fresh and healthy.
Whether you need it to rest, take a break from work, or spend time working on something else, make sure you honor what your needs are.
To have a good Christmas, keep your focus on the things that matter most and stay low-key about the ones that don't.
6. Stay calm, centered and compassionate.
It's natural (and maybe even warranted) to feel a degree of dislike when dealing with narcissists.
They are insecure and ignore other people's feelings, making them drive to constantly invalidate those around them.
They're human too and they may react unfairly or be disrespectful. You shouldn't take any bait they throw your way, it just sets you up for more harm.
You should have enough self-control not to let your emotions or ego get in the way of you.
It is important for you to keep a level head.
Stay calm, centered and compassionate.
7. Seek moments of joy and Discover Positive Ways to Connect.
It isn't always possible, but there are often ways we can connect with even the narcissists in our family that can be fun, helpful or affirming.
Make sure you find something to talk about - it can be anything from common interests, an inside joke, or even the weather.
One way to show affection that can feel appropriate for a narcissist family is by treating them how they would treat you, as well as showing generosity, empathy and care in equal measures.
If negative interaction isn't working, try to focus on others in the family whom you trust and enjoy being with.
Conclusion
Hopefully, this article has given you some practical tools to help you have a happier and healthier Christmas season.
You might even be starting to think that you really can have a happy holiday season despite the toxic presence of your mom.
Don’t give up hope that things will get better just yet.
There are going to be obstacles along your journey, but if you continue to work towards your own happiness, you might find out that Christmas and your mother don’t have to be mutually exclusive after all.
